>so you want more hits to your site? you wanna be an interNETional superstar? and you don't know where to start? join linkexchange. hand out flyers. scrawl your url on the wall of every starbucks toilet from here to antartica. but for the love of god, don't waste your time submitting to a webring. you'll be old and grey by the time they get around to reviewing your site, and you'll likely be dead by the time you get the email telling you whether or not you've been accepted.
now, apparently, at some time in the not-too-distant past, this thing called webring actually served a purpose. this was back when it first started, when my use of the net was purely experimental (limited to a now-defunct interactive top-ten site, to be specific) but as my luck would have it, when i finally decided to call upon it's services, webring had just been taken over by yahoo, one of the 2 companies from which all internet evil flows (ao-hell being the other...more on THAT later)
as anyone who's ever had to deal with yahoo already knows, it sorta has the midas touch...but with one difference. everything king midas touched turned to gold, whereas everything yahoo touches turns to shit. yahoo clubs become gates to harrassment and hacking, yahoo mail can be logged into and read by everyone EXCEPT the subscriber, and geocities...well, let me just put it this way for ye...see any broken images on here? having trouble loading any of the pages? well, that there would be geocities' speciality. (and fyi...to avoid being TOO MUCH of a hypocrite, i WILL be moving to another server shortly, soon as i've time to shift the files. i'll keep ye posted)

right....but what i mean to talk about here is webrings. sooner or later, SOMEBODY besides me is going to have to notice the problem on their own, but with the vast majority of the population not nearly as consumed with finding fault in everyday things (particularly the cursed blasted internet) as myself, i'm guessing it'll take them a bit. and, as we say in the old country, i haven't got all day. so let me help (please). here's how it goes, this webring-submitting lark. you find a ring you think you'd like to join. you fill out a preposterously long form in which you must include everything short of your great-great-grandmother's maiden name, and then you submit it to the ring master (this is only one of the many things about webring that calls to mind a circus) the next time you check your email, you will find there an equally preposterously long missive from webring, a form-letter sent out to you via automatic mailer, telling you your site's been submitted for review (DUH...as if you didn't know that already, yourself being the one SUBMITTING it) and giving you a sense of false hope as well as an html-javascriptish code to place on the main page of your site. it informs you that without this fragment, you have an ice-cube's chance in hell of being accepted, as if to imply you had any more than that chance WITH the feckin' code. the fragment in question is oddly-coloured and quite unattractive, designed specifically to clash god-awfully with the colour scheme of 99.9% of all websites on the net. but you'll put up with it for the extra hits, right? heh...heh...heh...
soooo...you place the cursed bit of computerised ugliness on your once-lovely site, and then sit and wait, cos in "a few weeks", they tell you, you'll be getting another email teling you whether you've been accepted or rejected. now i don't know what the FUCK exactly these people consider "a few weeks", but in MY mixed-up little world, that would consist of 2...perhaps 3...maybe even 4 weeks, at the most. and LOGICALLY a ring with roundabout 15 existing members couldn't possibly generate more requests than the ring master can handle (or if it DOES, perhaps he shouldn't've started a webring in the first place...i know I don't have the time to police a webring, but then that's why i don't HAVE one) when i don't get a response in over a month, i just assume the guy just can't be arsed doing anything and that kind of pisses me off. i mean, i bothered filling out that asinine form however long ago, what the hell would it take for him to write me an email simply saying either "okay, you're in" or "your site's shite; i don't think so"? i quite frankly don't care whether i'm accepted or rejected. i realise what's good and what isn't, creatively speaking, is a totally subjective thing and i'm submitting my site to the ringmaster's opinion as well as his ring. but i WOULD like to know this lazy git at best bothered to LOOK at it long enough to decide it was crap, if for no other reason than to let me take that hieous pink table off the bottom of my main file, as it's serving no purpose other than to make my visitors sick to their stomachs.

so, you might be wondering what happened to my webring fragment (or even if you're not, i'll tell you anyway) after not hearing from EITHER of the two rings i submitted to for over 2 months, i got rid of the blasted thing. fuck them all to hell, if people really want to find me, they'll somehow manage with or without bloody webring, and if they can't, then they're stupid asses and i don't want their kind darkening my virtual door-way anyhow. now, if you'll excuse me, i'm off to the city to finish my starbucks-toilet advertising campaign...

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