[ valentines day sucks ]

a woman will typically hate valentines day because she's got nobody to buy her ridiculously overpriced chocolates and flowers, and take her out to a ridiculously overpriced, overcrowded, and more often than not totally SHITE restaurant for the customary VALENTINES DATE, no doubt planned months in advance. if she HAS got a man, the possibility is great she'll STILL hate the holiday cos her significant other isn't a total eejit and didn't spend as much on her as her mates' beaux did on THEM...or she didn't THINK he did, anyway. even the old biddie who's been married for 70 years and has 50 great-grandchildren with a man will be all hot under the collar when her alzheimer's-ridden hubby FORGETS valentines day. the old man's forgetfulness will of course piss her off every year, even though she's long since become accustomed to his getting lost every time she sends him out for a litre of milk.

yes, even if there is no conceivable reason why a lady should become cross, pissed-off, and/or depressed on valentines day, you can bet your ass she will, even if it's for a bizarre reason like my eldest sister's favourite...every year her husband goes out and gets her a bottle of baileys, a box of godiva chocolate meltaways, and two-dozen red roses, and THEN takes her out to some fancy-ass expensive restaurant. and you know how SHE usually thanks him? by accusing him of trying to make her FAT and calling him something like "you crazy mad chubby-lovin' son of a bitch"
now i don't get the man's logic here at all. i REALISE my sister is basically (well, besides her insane anorexic tendencies anyway) a female version of ME, and if THAT ain't a reason to walk across hot coals for a gal, i don't know what is, but still i've told the BOTH of them many a time she's lucky i'm her brother and not her husband (hey, we're kerry people. it's not impossible) or else i'd fix it so she'd never see another piece of chocolate as long as she lived, make her persona non grata in every godiva shop in the country. if she pulled such a stunt on me, she'd be out one day on one of her binge attacks, walk into one of the places, and find the soup nazi behind the counter roaring, "SKINNY GINGER BITCH! NO CHOCOLATES FOR YOU!"

heh. but i'm really one to talk, fuckin' hypocrite i am. like my sister, you see, my fiancée is basically a good woman (she ended up with me, did she not?) but valentines day, it drives her a bit potty. i'll never forget our first valentines day as a couple...we'd been seeing each other since late october, and christmas went off beautifully, but then came the second week of january. "you know", she said, just like that, out of the blue, "this will be the first valentines day i'll actually have a boyfriend." i immediately began to sweat, cos i know what this comment REALLY meant..."i'm young, volatile, and romantically deprived...SO YOU BETTER NOT FUCK THIS UP, BOY!" but how could i not? i am a man. i am programmed to fail. and of course, the constant reminders of how few days i'd left to think up something brilliantly, romantically, creatively, fantastic weren't really helping either. so i wasn't a bit surprised when the week before v-day, after 110 calls to booked-solid restaurants, i had a passable gift, a silver bracelet, but noplace to present it to her.
i considered my options :

  1. i could take her out to one of the myriad pubs on my block and give it to her there...after a few pints she'd be guaranteed to appreciate the present more. OR she'd think i was just looking for another excuse to slack off and get plastered. bad idea.
  2. mcdonalds! i could take her to mcdonalds, buy her a happy meal, and stick the bracelet in where the toy's supposed to go! yeah! and then she'd probably think it really DID come for free in her $3 lunch and refuse to believe me if i told her otherwise! no...no...that i'd save for the proposal.
  3. aha! i'd fix her a nice quiet dinner at my place! how much more romantic could you GET? yeah, i'd microwave up a coupla packets of pizza rolls, give her the damn bracelet, and then drag her into the middle of the livingroom where we'd proceed to shag like a pair of jungle animals till my eternal bachelor of a flatmate returned home at 7.30 and demanded we get the hell out of his way so he could watch hollywood squares. ahh...feck. not romantic by ANY account.
it was pretty clear that subconsciously, i really wanted to join the monastery. and that's exactly the plan i'd settled on for valentines day 2000...that is, till my ass was saved the same way it ALWAYS managed to get saved before.
(sidebar : i am a fuckin' screw-up by nature. i am willing to attest to the fact that my outrageous luck is the only reason i'm still alive. if i were not so bloody lucky, i would be, as many believe i SHOULD be, jobless, homeless, and penniless, and i'd never, ever get any.)
anyway...back to the story. i'd left my number with an obscenely expensive italian place in westchester in the hopes someone'd die or suffer a heartbreaking relationship collapse and cancel...and lo and behold someone HAD! yay! i was in and all was right with the world. and it really WAS a nice night...or as nice as any night spent in a tiny, trendy rathole trying to be romantic as the folks a foot and a half away from you at the next table look on can be, anyway. the girl even told me so herself, just as she was finishing up her soup and gazing with what i was pretty sure was approval at the bracelet on her wrist. "this is really nice", said she, "but next time, let's do something EXCITING!"
EXCITING, whaa..? well, shiver me timbers, i found this whole thing DAMN exciting...ESPECIALLY the part where i thought we were gonna have to spend tonight at mickey d's on fordham road. yeah, that was a bloody thrill ride...and YOU missed out on it all. you want excitement, a cushla? next time YOU can make the frickin' reservations! of course all that came out sounding more like, "waiter, we need some more wine over here...NOW!" i'd be damned if i was going to fuck things up now that i'd gone to all that trouble. i'd just get damn good and locked and perhaps kill us both on the drive home.

so why'd i just tell you that fairly mortifying story of my romantic ineptitude? well cos honestly, i'm certain all you guys have been there before, and if not, you may now realise how lucky you are. and as for you girls...i'd just like to let ye know...no matter HOW much you hate v-day, your man hates it more. and if you haven't got a man...SO FUCKIN' WHAT? do on the 14th of february the same thing all the single GUYS do...rent a few movies, have a few beers, and enjoy a few laughs at the expense of all the poor sods who'll no doubt be out tonight all dressed up, bank accounts drained and credit cards maxed, being told how pathetically unromantic they are by their significant others over a $40 plate of linguine.

i sincerely hope you feel better now. i know i don't.

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