and the world is full of them. there seem to be more of them in new york than anywhere, but then that's probably just cos there's more of EVERYONE in new york. here are a few rules i decided to jot down for said eejits as i had contact with one too many today and i just feel it's time someone gave them the help they so desperately need.

* when you see two staircases with signs over them, one saying "UP" and the other "DOWN", please go up the "UP" staircase, ot the "DOWN". other people are trying to come DOWN the "DOWN" staircase, and if you go UP it, you'll have to expect you'll be swimming against the tide. however, if you DO decide to go up the "DOWN" staircase, do not pull a face at me and call me a stupid fuck for bumping into you as i come down. YOU'RE the one wrong, not me. i can read. you apparently can not. that is why you are going UP the "DOWN" staircase.

* all irish people do not know one another. just cos i have a brogue does not mean i am best buds with liam neeson and frank mccourt. i know liam neeson just well enough NOT to have recognised his voice as the narrator at "riverdance". ireland mightn't be as big as the states, but as we multiply like rabbits, there are just a few too many of us for us to be so familiar with each other. (i believe this is a safe assumption to make about most oTHER countries as well, no matter how small)

* corollary...i'm not fuckin' scottish either. and YES, for the 2000th time, english IS my first language.

* i don't care WHERE you're visiting from...unless you are coming from the australian outback or the amazon rain forest, there ARE buildings where you live. and the buildings in new york are no different from the ones there, even if they ARE a bit bigger. you can take my word for it. there is absolutely no need for you and your gang to stop dead in the middle of fifth avenue at rush hour to get a better look at them. THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE, FOLKS! MOVE ALONG IN AN ORDERLY FASHION! and even if there WAS something to see...something STILL wouldn't be able to see jack with all the crowds. the only purpose you're serving is to hold up traffic and piss off a whole hell of a lot of already cross new yorkers.

* everyone these days seems to be in a constant state of rush, but yet, when most people speak, they have to use the word "like" at least 4 times in each sentence and "y'know" at least once. that's, like, wasting time, y'know? if you , like, were to, like, cut out all those "like's" and "y'know's", y'know...maybe you'd, like, have more time for, like, all that IMPORTANT SHIT you, like, HAVE TO do, y'know?

* if you have an inane question to ask, such as, "if i mail this today, to this address here, on what day and at what time should it get there?"...please do not address it to me. i know the sign i always wear with the words "INANE QUESTION GUY : I WILL ANSWER ALL YOUR INANE QUESTIONS FREE OF CHARGE" emblazoned in red upon it might be a bit misleading, but i DON'T have all the answers, and even if i DID, i still wouldn't want to be wasting such huge chunks of my precious time explaining them to YOUR thick self.

* if i hold the door for you, i expect either a thankyou or a tip. please don't be so bloody ignorant as to think i (or anyone ELSE for that matter) was put on this earth for the sole purpose of serving YOU.

* i know you don't call them queues call them lines...but you DO have them and you're SUPPOSED to know what they're for. if you don't know (and i'm beginning to think many of you DON'T), let me enlighten you. they're for waiting in. when someone arrives before you, you stand single file behind them. the people in front of you WILL notice if you cut into the line, as that is the wrong thing to do, is very rude, and marks you as one of the STUPID PEOPLE of this world. sometimes, these people will get angry. do not act surprised if they do, as i'm quite sure you'd react in kind if they were to cut in front of YOU.
another thing that is really stupid to do while standing in a line is acusing people who WERE there before you of cutting in front of you. most people are NOT blind and will realise straight away that you were NOT there first and you will expose yourself for the filthy liar you are.

* if you do not know something, please don't let on like you do. Nobody's going to be fooled, and you're only going to succeed in looking like an even bigger jackass than you usually do.

* in case you don't know, i'm employed as a hotel barman. having said that, when you see me standing beind the bar in a vest emblazoned with the hotel logo, it's pretty safe to assume i DO work there, without having to ask, "excuse me sir, do you work here?" what exactly do you expect me to say, anyway..."no, i don't...i just really like wearing this asinine vest with the hotel logo on it and i want to see how long i can stand here behind this bar before the people that REALLY work here see me and call the cops"? hmmph. likewise, when i am in a supermarket, in my winter coat, pushing a trolley full of groceries, it's safe to assume i DO NOT WORK THERE. why people always assume i work in supermarkets is beyond me, but whatever the reason, it's still a pretty freakin' stupid assumption.

to be continued...