just one of the many topics covered in THE CROOKED PROF'S HANDBOOK, the newest self-help book by cain, student of the masters
(circa 1996)

so you're a lazy layabout of a teacher who wants to ace all of your favourite students and shaft everyone else with as little work as possible on your part andas little evidence as possible left over?
it's NOT impossible!
it CAN be done!
and it schools right here in ireland and throughout the world! yes, YOU too can do absolutely nothing and end the year with your favourite stupid bastards at the top of the class and the know-it-all git you can't bloody stand but always aces standard tests THIS CLOSE to academic dismissal. HOW can this be done, you ask? have faith, my dear disciple, and read on...

so what is a corrupt instructor to do in order to fudge grades so no-one will ever be the wiser? well, i've got two words for you and those words are ORAL EXAMS.
YOU make up the questions as you go along, you grade as you like, and best of all, there is no definite list of grading criteria. all you have to say to the student who flunked miserably is, "i didn't care for your delivery" or "you missed a lot of key points"...and while he may still be doubtful, there's not a bloody thing he can do about it. and you know why? COS IT'S HIS WORD AGAINST YOURS! no proof, no case. you can flunk undeserving pupils left, right, and centre and STILL MAKE TENURE! isn't that BRILLIANT?

ah, but you haven't even heard the most amazing part yet...
this is just ONE of the life-changing secrets i'm willing to reveal to you. for a mere 20, YOU TOO can be a lying, cheating, TENURED university professor! all you have to do is fill out the coupon at the bottom of this page and send it to the address shown below along with 20 in cheque or cash form and within 3 to 6 weeks you will have in your grubby little paws THE CROOKED PROF'S HANDBOOK...possibly the most useful piece of literature you'll ever own!

still need more cajoling? here are some of the additional topics we'll be reviewing...
...THEY might not be allowed to bunk off class, but YOU to make it through an entire year only showing up to class once every other week.
...CHOOSING A TEXTBOOK...easy, time-saving tips on how to choose for your class the most expensive, cumbersome, bloody freakin' USELESS textbook imaginable...and how to guarantee they WON'T be able to sell it back come the end of the year.
...HOMEWORK, HOMEWORK, HOMEWORK!...the fine art of assigning hour upon torturous hour of busy-work straight out of low babies' to your students and successfully passing it off as USEFUL UNIVERSITY WORK...and how to get away with NEVER CORRECTING OR RETURNING IT!
...1001 STUPID THINGS STUDENTS DO THAT CAN BE USED AGAINST THEM IN THEIR FINAL MARK...or how to nitpick so people will listen.

ready to change your teaching career for the better yet? I KNEW YOU WOULD BE! so clip that coupon, cos if you act now, you'll get an irritating light pointer ABSOLUTELY FREE! guaranteed to piss off your students nearly as much as their scripts will!

carpe diem, brother and sister educators! it's time to show them little pissants who's boss!