same shit, different year...

i think i can safely say i dislike 75% of all traditions, roughly 75% of THOSE being the dreaded HOLIDAY traditions. but even in the muck and mire of holiday routine, i can still manage to weed out what i consider to be the worst one of all...the new year's resolution. now i would LOVE to know who in the bloody hell's idea THIS gem was...WHO thought it a good idea for people all over the world to set impossible goals for themselves the 31st of every december, only to breach those goals by the 2nd of january, proclaim themselves gi-normous failures, and proceed to sit down and inhale an entire chocolate cheesecake, 2 bottles of bushmills, 4 packs of chesterfields, and a coupla kilos of cocaine?

face it folks. you did not stop smoking last year. nor did you lose 20 pounds or cut down the drink. AND FOR FECKSAKE, YOU AIN'T GONNA THIS YEAR EITHER! so why torture yourself? REALISE how weak you are, and realise as well that's OKAY cos everyone ELSE is weak too. i have news for you. NO-ONE. KEEPS. THEIR. NEWYEAR'S. RESOLUTIONS. and if they tell you they did, they're either a) a liar or b) my brother-in-law or someone like him. my brother-in-law resolved to quit his 25-year-old 3-pack-a-day smoking habit 5 years ago...and he DID. of course, his willpower might've had something to do with the fact he was just 40 years old and was developing chronic bronchitis, which meant he'd been coughing up a lung nearly constantly for about a year and a half, and was told by his doctor he was on the fast track to cancertown. so he quit smoking and passed it off as a new year's resolution...even IF his true motives had more to do with being around in a few years to embarrass his daughters in front of their boyfriends than with holiday tradition. heh. who'd've thunk it, ceremonial hooha taking a backseat to fear of imminent demise?

however, i myself (like most of YOU, i'm guessing...or hoping), having never had such a brush with death, have NEVER kept a serious new year's resolution. in fact, the only reason i ever bothered making them at all was because, as most all of us know, no new years eve party, whether it be a family celebration, a holiday ball, or a piss-up with your friends, is complete until everyone's spilt the beans about what they're changing about themselves in the year to come. my empty resolutions started as simple things...i'll keep my room tidier, i'd say, stop being so cheeky to those in authority, stop calling my sister maeve "nermel" as it drives her potty. (i've yet to even SLIGHTLY improve on ANY of those) they naturally progressed to the more serious as i got older...i'll start going to church again, cut down drinking. (ha and double ha) and i really DID mean to observe them in the beginning, as reluctant as i was to make them in the first place. but alas, i juat haven't any will power to speak of. perhaps if my sister was put on suicide watch, someone took out a contract on my life, i developed cirrhosis of the liver, or god showed up at the foot of bed some night demanding my compliance things would be different. but the way things are, it just wasn't happening. so 2 years ago, realising the ONLY resolution i ever kept in all my years was my 1987 promise to get the braces off my teeth (more the dentist's efforts than my own) i decided to chuck it all in and just make a mockery of the whole thing.

so THIS, my friends, is a list of some resolutions i'm considering this year...

1. drink more coffee.

2. spend more time being drunk. (so as not to become depressed)

3. don't get deported. (from the usa to eire, or vice versa)

4. don't get named in any more wills

5. be less idealistic

6. go to church less. (twice a year really IS too much)

7. eat more cannolis while i can ; they're not at all easy to come by back home.

8. at least once a week, shag till it hurts.

9. learn to make paper cranes, goddamn it.

10. eat pie.

11. actually roar "fuck you" at people instead of just flipping them off.

12. actually MEET niall o'dowd and insult him to his face.

13. actually MEET JAMES o'dowd and insult HIM to his face, and then laugh in it.

14. wear a sombrero and be gato rodrigues in church. (this is an event worth going to church for)

15. have this latest wisdom tooth removed.

16. write more fiction. (short stories, that is)

17. actually smack anto across the face with a dead sea bass.

18. visit mary griffin and tell her grandma died (hey...SOMEONE has to SOONER or later)

19. spend more money

1. don't stand in the way of any more sporting teams' national titles.

2. find out the official words to "oh carolina".

3. actually MEET bertie ahern and insult him to his face.

4. administer that long-overdue paper-cut torture to bin laden.

5. write my damn novel

6. learn a proper way of disposing of a body that does not involve driving up to garrison new york.

7. start a legitimate photo journal, or at least organise the photos i've got.

8. write something pulitzer-worthy

9. what the hell...write something that'll make me more than 500 bucks in one shot.

10. become the father of daraghs newest half-sibling.

11. devise a fool-proof anti-stalker plan.

12. narrow myself down to just 5 personalities.

13. make some online chat buddies, preferably ones that TyPe lIkE tHiS, hang out in the VIP and have the number "69" someplace in their email address, just to prove people like that really ARE good at heart.

14. buy a bentley with all the money i'm going to make off that prize-winning novel.

15. have triplet daughters and call them kerry, erin, and katelynn.

16. after i've made my first million on the novel, give up legitimate writing altogether and make a living writing sayings for hallmark cards.

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