i'm smarter than you are, nyah, nyah, nyah!
he is al einstein. you are not. DEAL WITH IT.

i cannot fucking stand people who think they're smarter than i am and constantly feel the need to prove it. this is not, despite popular misconception, because i think I'M in fact the most intelligent man on earth (come on, there has to be at least one or two that can give me a run for my money ;) but rather, it's cos most of the people who declare themselves geniuses are the thickest, most dim-witted idiots you'll ever see. it's cain's law no. 256 : a person's intelligence is inversely proportional to the number of times they mention their doctorates/iq score/fancy-ass uni in conversation. i think it's about time to put these blowhards in their place, don't you? okay. let's begin.

hold up. before i start in on pseudointellectuals in general, let me say a word about trinners. trinners, if you did not already know, are people with any at all connection to trinity college dublin, and they're the most offensive, power-mad people to grace ireland since the english. they make dubliners in general look like a pack of saints. if you are irish, you no doubt at least know OF trinners, and if you're american, consider the bashing you're about to witness applies as much to harvard folks and yalies as it does to the inhabitants of this foreign university you've never heard of. to put it bluntly, neither i nor anyone else really gives a flying philadelphia fuck WHAT institution of higher learning had to suffer with these jackasses for upwards of 4 years, yet for whatever reason, they honestly believe it's crucial to our existence that we DO know. and WHY? hmm...your guess is as good as mine, but i THINK it has something to do with our bowing down in homage to them and their superior intellects every time they enter a room. in the case of me at least, that isn't the result. it just makes my opinion of them and their overall integrity bow down even further than they could ever imagine. i sincerely apologise if this shit actually impresses you...and not for what i've already said, either, but for what i am ABOUT to say now. you are INCREDIBLY STUPID...stupid as no name, not to mention very, very socially inexperienced. go out this minute, go ANYWHERE...your local streetcorner, your local starbucks...and TALK TO PEOPLE! cos you really do need to be broadening your horizons. this also applies if any of the stuff i mention later on actually impresses you. if you come away from this life with nothing else, you should escape with the notion that no matter WHO you are or WHAT you are, NO-ONE...except me and anne robinson...is in the position to call you stupid or lead you to believe you are. yeah...errmm...so in conclusion, let me say that trinity, all past, present and future students of trinity, and all schools and people like them suck ass muchly. and excuse me if all this sounds muddled...i am but a lowly ul lad...can't very well expect me to express myself as well as you EDUCATED lot, now CAN you...?

now...on to our next item of business, somewhat related to the last...let's talk about uni professors. now THEY are an interesting lot. from community colleges to premier institutions like those above mentioned, all but the rare professor are from the same mould. i don't know if you ever noticed this, but most of these people have never actually held a job. it's really quite amazing when you think about it, some of them 60 and 70 years old and they've been in school one way or another the whole time. now THIS is the first sign they're not working with a full deck. i and every other semi-normal person i ever knew couldn't WAIT to be done with school, those who stayed in longer than the rest only doing so to attain the training for the JOB they wanted. this isn't to say i actually LIKE working, either, but i DO get paid for it...and more than yer average uni prof at that.

most profs have no real-world experience. the only life they've ever known has been within the confines of academia. they are ignorant, stunted, self-centred little people, well-read no doubt, but rarely all too bright. and so, every time they get in a new class of fresh-faced freshers they look at it as another opportunity to lord it over yet another group of people who might actually be green enough to believe them. and every time, roughly half the class DOES. they sit there passively and allow all their modes of self-expression to be torn apart and ridiculed by these morons who quite honestly wouldn't know real intelligence or creativity if it bit them on the derriere.
as you can probably tell, i was not one of the kids who fell for this crap. some profs liked my work, others didn't...those who didn't were told in no uncertain terms to go to hell. other students however...and this is the part that really REALLY pisses me off...really talented people with a lot of promise, just completely chucked it in after one unfavourable remark from an eejit instructor. one woman i know actually dropped her course completely, saying if the professor thought she was a failure she must indeed be, and up and moved to england to join the raf. a whole shitload of others gave up lifelong interests, mainly writing, acting, and other arts, because of the bitter comments of some half-assed teacher who never could make it in their OWN creative endeavours.
(sidebar : i write and i act. i didn't do my course in either area however, because i quite honestly do not believe the arts are something that a person can be GRADED in. what's good artistically and what ain't is far too subjective and i was not about to leave my script up to some nasty sonofabitch's OPINION. i also did not want to get into any violent fights, which i predicted i would if anyone had the gall to get aggressive about my needing to change my technique. my technique is fine, thankyou very much. i'm 100% ME and i am sure's hell not about to let that be bastardised in the name of "polishing". and sure i'm an arrogant bastard, but so're they, so they're in no position to criticise. ;)
soooo...to all the teachers who sit up in their ivory towers and cast aspersions and judgements down upon the lowly student masses, keep in mind this old addage...those who can, do. those who can't, TEACH. this is the assumption to be made till ye prove otherwise. so your criticism? it ain't worth diddly-squat. you really think you can do better? get up here then and show us all what you've got. otherwise, be nice or SHUT THE FUCK UP.

right. now, you know who ELSE never fails to piss me off? (hmm...loaded question, eh?) those self-proclaimed "high-iq people", that's who. the first reason they irritate me so badly is because despite their unbelievably superior intelligence, they fail to realise how sadly innacurate iq tests are. and how do I know this, i hear you asking. simple. i've taken loads of them, and real, live, official ones at that. tests like these, as well as their results have always intrigued me so for a period i was taking them every chance i got. (they're also great fun...loads of puzzles and shit to figure out. if you're really bored someday, try one if you've never before. i took my first, sorta against my will at the age of 11, and i got a score back. i won't lie. i was impressed. REALLY impressed. a few years later, i took another one, though, and learned i had dropped...no kidding...50 POINTS and had oficially progressed from gifted kid to barely-functioning teenager. but, i proceeded to take yet ANOTHER test that put me in an even higher category than the first had. but the next knocked me down a peg or ten again. and so the pattern continued. all in all, what i've been able to surmise from ALL these fuckin' tests is i've got an iq someplace between 105 and 170, which means...well, i have no freakin' idea WHAT it means...and nor do any of the "qualified testers" who administered them. having recently discussed this with my sister, another compulsive iq test taker, i found her results were exactly the same as my own, bouncing from barely normal to freakishly brilliant with the weather. so of course, when i hear people nattering about their brilliant 150 iq, i usually have to put my two cents in.
"scored 150 did ya? a member of mensa are ya? well, enjoy it while it lasts, mo chara, cos i once scored 170, but in a matter of mere months dropped to borderline. you never know the day you'll wake up drooling and unable to remember your name." heh. and the best part of it all is...i'm not even lying! truth is stranger than fiction, ain't it?
anyways, now that we've established that real, bona fide iq tests are pathetically inaccurate, let's talk about the people who lie through their teeth, the ones who could obviously be outwitted by your average houseplant and claim to have tested at numbers that don't even exist on the scale. i once read someplace that a certain newswriter in the usa claims to possess an iq of 238. problem is, the "scale" stops at 200, with anyone testing past that being naturally relegated to the "off-the-scale" category...like that pub bouncer from long island...now HE is wicked. so even in the outside possibility this newswoman was just having a REALLY GOOD DAY the morning of the exam, she would still be forced to just say she tested off the scale. even I know that, and with all my number-hopping, i never even came CLOSE to going off the scale. so liar, liar, pants on fire...

i'm guessing there are also a whole helluva lot of big honkin' pinnochio noses in aol's high-iq chat room. once for a lark, and on the recommendation of a friend (who, i suspect, was just looking to spark this rant in print) i visited said chat. JESUS H CHRIST! not only were these conceited sacks of crap not geniuses, they were barely even literate. but what they lacked in intelligence, they made up for in arrogance. being there made me feel inferior, all right, though not for my stupidity, but for the sheer fact that you know you've reached rock-bottom when you're not only in an aol chat room, but you're in an aol chat room the extent of whose chat is, "IQ CHECK" every 10 seconds, followed by a barrage of numbers over 300. i tried to be sarcastic with them, really i did, but they were too thick even to get that much, and began immediately to personally attack/offer to cyber me via im. i was gone, with a headache, within 10 minutes.

maybe that shittin' chat room wouldn't be a total waste if it could somehow ensure all iq-score talk would be confined to there and there alone. but alas and alack it cannot. if such a thing is actually possible, i believe those minutes in that chat made me even more of a misanthrope than i already was to start with...but i went there voluntarily. i (sorta) knew what i was getting myself into. so if i totally flipped out after 10 consecutive minutes of self-congratulations from 30-some-odd eejits, i'd've no-one to blame but myself. but if these people are so bloody smart, they really oughtto realise the liability factor when they begin dropping numbers (or uni names for that matter) in totally unrelated conversation. have you ever said something to someone like, "the yankees really kicked ass last night", just to have them reply, "i have an iq of 197"? well, i have. (i know this speaks volumes about the sort of company i keep, but that's another story) and i know it's just a matter of time before someone starts praising themselves unprovoked and i start beating the everloving shit outta them, all the while roaring, "we were talking about baseball. BASEBALL! so if that ain't yer fuckin' BATTING AVERAGE, i don't give a RAT'S ASS!"

now for one more thing that gets my goat (or would if i HAD a goat)...did you ever noticethe kind of unadulterated bs people dish when they think they're dealing with someone less educated than themselves? it's fucking obscene, that, but it often proves to be very, very amusing...sometimes for the outrageous stuff they make up, but more often for the visible mortification they experience when they realise the person they've been bs'ing has been on to them all along. i've worked directly with people since the moment i moved to this country, first doing floors and now my infamous gig at the hotel pub. while it was obvious they took me for a waaaay bigger thicko when i did floors than they do now that i get to dress up pretty, they still figure i'm fairly stupid now. and some of the things i've heard from people, people who thought i was too fuckin' dumb to catch on, were SO bloody off-the-wall, i actually laughed in their faces. it IS however, infinitely funnier to keep them going as long as possible, only to end it with a bang by picking up their flubs and beating them about the head with them. i've spotted mis-quotes, mistranslations. and of course the ever-popular misinterpretation of a classic work of literature, usually as a result of the person's not having read the bloody thing. and here's the pathetic tosser, who found what he or she THOUGHT to be the perfect opportunity to make themselves look like a brain, only to be showed up by some lowly, blue-collar, immigrant kid. sucks to be them, eh? ;)

i'm off for now...i recently came into possession of a copy of the bible in aramaic, y'know...and i DO have to brush up on that aramaic. ta-ta, all...