(just for your general information, i put up the girls rant first strictly for reaction's sake. i got my reaction. so here's part two.)


i am one of the few men in this world who would readily agree with any woman who says men are pigs. in fact, as one of the few semi-civilised men left on the planet, i think it's safe to assume that i not only agree but they actually make me sicker than they do you ladies. and why, you ask? simple : these blasted mofos are making ME look bad. i could begin at any one of 1000 different points, but i think i'll talk construction first. my older brother co-owns a residential contracting company with my cousin and another man. when i first come out to the states, i worked for them laying floors.(i still do now and then) i could never help but notice whenever we worked in a house whose occupants had teen-age daughters, the girls were kept conspicuously far away from the load of us, as if we were going to jump them or something. as if we were some roving band of perverts. i'd like to say i was shocked by all this, or insulted, but i wasn't. fact of the matter is, with the general conduct i've observed from general contractors, i can't say i blame them in the least. i'd keep MY daughters the hell away from us, too. so it wasn't THEIR behaviour that angered me. it was the behaviour of the contractors who'd come before me, who, with their lecherous actions had bestowed upon me and my colleagues the reputation that makes mothers hide their daughters at the first glimpse of our shiny green van.

but lechery isn't limited to blue-collar micks with expired working visas, nor is it only bothersome coming from them. i'd say approximately 3 out of every 4 men on any given new york city street at any given time (numbers might vary slightly in chelsea) is, or at least lets on like he is, an uncontrollable sex fiend. an attractive/scantily clad/skanky-ass woman walks by, and instead of trying to say "hello" like normal people, they opt to hoot, whistle, gape, and stare at her. the gaping/staring bit is my personal favourite, and to be completely honest, some of these blokes are so good at it they make ME feel dirty. i'd just love to know what the fuck they think they're accomplishing. what little chance you had with this dame has been fairly blown ANYWAY from your lack of initiative to strike up a convo with her, and what little chance there was of HER making a move on YOU has been killed as well, mainly by your staring at her so that she thinks she's growing a second head out the side of her neck. (AND in a few cases i've witnessed, staring so hard you end up stumbling/tripping/falling head-on into oncoming foot traffic and being trampled...this is definitely the clincher with any right-minded woman that you are not and probably never WILL be mr suave)

you don't have to take my word for all this, lads...ASK THE GIRLS! i did. and just as i suspected, none but TWO of them i asked actually LIKED the catcall-and-stare bit...and the two who did said they only started liking it once they realised what the hell it was the guys were staring at.


now let's change the focus a bit, shall we? we'll still keep to the sex angle (how can we discuss what's wrong with men WITHOUT concentrating on the sex angle?)

WHY THE FUCK do so many lads masturbate to women they'd never actually want to touch? WELL? okay...here's my take. in my opinion, manufactured porn is crap and has been ever since the pin-up girls disappeared and the likes of bettie page and marilyn monroe were determined to have it alright...but in all the wrong places. nowadays girlie mags are full of freaks of nature...or of plastic surgery as the case may be, things that look like little boys with tits the size of watermelons. i gather the vast majority of guys just aren't as sexually cerebral as i am...cos if they were they'd realise right away they were looking at oversize barbie dolls, composed of basically the same (carcinogenic) materials, and they'd likely get more turned on reading national geographic's old tribal issues than penthouse. i, freak boy, am so scheeved by the idea of the implants, the plastic, silicone, and peroxide that went into MAKING these nude models that i don't think i could be turned on by them no matter how drunk, high, or sexually deprived i became. it's sorta like the idea of eating a hotdog. when you consider that hotdogs are made of nothing but waste and meat by-products they don’t seem nearly as appetising, now do they? WHICH is all the more reason why it offends me that men (men i KNOW, mind ye) with dead sexy wives/girlfriends spend more time wanking all over a picture of titties galore or whoever instead of getting their freak on with their own beautiful women. i urge any or all of these men to envision themselves squeezing playmate of the month's hard plastic breast, or running their fingers through her stiff, hairspray-encrusted wig and then, if they're still turned on...question their own sanity.


and NOW, ladies and gentlemen...onto my rant-within-a-rant. those of ye who know me might be shocked i haven't made this one separate, as i spend so bloody much time talking about it – CHIVALRY IS INDEED DEAD. not dying, as some might think, but DEAD, dead as a fucking door-nail and making a ine feast for the maggots. there are, in my estimation, only about 20 true gentlemen left on the face of this earth, and all but maybe 5 of them are over the age of 75. AND WHY'S THAT? would anyone care to tell me why, in this world of ours where women are regarded as so friggin' EQUAL in every respect that it's considered practically ACCEPTABLE to dog them in the street, that in the average man's mind, women's lib only becomes an issue worth fighting for when HE has to give up his seat on the train to one? fuck. my brothers, you make me sick. i am quite honestly sick and tired of being the only guy left with the decency to give up his seat to a lady at rush hour. there are all manner of blokes on the subway at any given time, and that includes teenagers who got on with a free school train pass. i PAID for my spot. and the lady, she paid for hers as well. the kid's the only one didn't. who do YOU think should be forced to stand? but i don't say a word. (well, not unless i'm already standing. THEN i'll march about the car like the bloody gestapo asking kids if they'd allow their mother to be left standing like that. i know, i'm probably gonna be murdered some day, but what can i say? some things just get my goat.)

the same goes for holding doors for ladies,(well, actually, leaving a door slam in ANYONE'S face is rather rude...as well as a fairly common practice in this great city of ours, but we'll get to that one later), letting women enter and leave a room first, seating your double-x-chromosome-having companion at a table before you flop yourself, and all the rest of that "old-fashioned" shit. we cannot very well expect women to let us do to them what you know as well as i do we WANT to do to them if we fairly well treat them like crap. i mean, even if you DO, SOMEONE will probably still no doubt volunteer to have your children, but if you haven't read the girls rant, do...cos THAT is exactly what you'll end up with if you slack off. and there won't be any escape..them deadbeat dad laws these days are a bitch.

i am really not trying to be sanctimonious. of all the negative things i am, holier-than-thou isn't one of them. i was just trained by force over the years to have manners, while i'm guessing the vast majority of the rest of ye weren't. i suppose, when you really think about it, the fact that you're a pack of ill-behaved, self-serving pigs isn't really your fault. but it ain't ever too late to learn, right? so here's the bottom line – YOU BETTER FUCKIN' LEARN. i quite honestly couldn't be arsed anymore that you all make me look impressive and well-bred, and are perhaps even giving me some leeway to slack off. COS YER MAKING ME ANGRY! and if the gratitude of the world's old ladies and action from some of the younger ones isn't enough incentive to have a bit of respect, perhaps THIS will be – you don't know me. i get around. the next time you pretend not to see that old woman with the cane on the subway, i may well be the guy standing behind her. and i warn you...my patience is running very thin...