before you ask, i am neither gay nor a
misogynist. i just hate everyone, and i don't see why girls should escape my
okaaaay...having said that, let me proceed. the particular type of girl i'm going to spotlight is most definitely the most cloying, the teenage girl. even when i was a teenager myself (not too long ago), i valued them only for the obvious reasons, and though i'm rather ashamed to admit it, once i proved i could get off with them, i would generally drop them like a hot potato...not for fear of commitment, but for fear of being driven stark raving mad. you see, there is very little in this world that can rival a teenage girl (or worse yet, a GROUP of teenage girls) in annoyingness...they are by nature the most shallow creatures on the face of this earth, concerned only with themselves...adorning themselves (with clothing, jewellery, and if you're stupid enough to get attached to them, YOURSELF) and amusing themselves (with gossip, cattiness, and more fuckin' gossip). they are so bloody friggin' irritating they even hate EACH OTHER...and will no doubt spend every moment you're around them regaling you with third-hand embarrassing stories about other girls they can't stand and you don't know.
which reminds me...i have nothing against negativity (DUH). but i do have quite a bit against negativity veiled in pink and cute and fluffy and hearts and glitter and love....which is 90% of all teenage girls in the free world in a nutshell. ESPECIALLY nowadays...JAYSUS!!! used to be...all of about 2 years ago..."misery chicks" wore their attitude like a badge of honour. think alanis morrissette. black jumpers. long black skirts. long black hair. got her fashion tips from morticia addams and rosamunde from "nate the great" (off topic : how cool was nate the great?) before alanis, my oldest sister and all her mates used to dress head-to-toe in black denim, leather and lace, a la joan jett. but now, all that's changed. with the exception of goths (who can be fairly cool in their own right), today's little beeatches are a lot more subversive. some of them don't even OWN anything black. they're into all this candy-raver shit...in pastel clothing even in the dead of winter, festooned with happy faces and hello kitty and rainbows and butterflies and glitter. this fools the public for all of about 15 seconds, till little mary sunshine opens her gob and begins spewing the misery of the ages which had been spewed by her mother and her mother's mother before her. the irony of the wee she-demons having the word "love" plastered on every available surface of their attire, lockers, and rooms does not escape me, but it doesn't amuse me either. it just makes me good and sick.
something else i find bizarre about teenage girls is their incongruously mature interest in sexual commitment. they are SUCH bloody babies in every other aspect...bawling every time they chip off a bit of their baby-pink nail varnish and waltzing up to communion on easter sunday in their hello kitty knee socks and the butterflies bouncing at the tops of their pigtails...but one snog and they're looking for an engagement ring. every man they lay eyes upon from the age of thirteen on is a perspective husband. every day of their life NOT spent with a boyfriend they sprout another grey hair for fear of ending up as the old-maid cat lady everybody in the neighbourhood's afraid of. you show any interest in them at all...even cast your eyes in the general direction of some of 'em...and before you've even so much as talked to them, they're off telling all their friends about the impending marriage. i cannot even begin to tell you how many times in my reckless youth i found myself walking in the street minding my own business/hanging out with the lads/in dunnes with my mother buying towels, when some chica i wouldn't know if she up and bit me on the ass pointed at me and shouted out, "LOOK! IT'S PEGGY'S BOYFRIEND!", leaving me no choice other than to look at her and ask in an equally loud tone, "AND WHO THE HELL IS PEGGY THEN?"
my god, desperation is an ugly thing, not to mention creepy as no name.
yet another thing that teenage girls do that positively makes me want to scream as if i were one of them is the giggling. nearly everything is giddlily funny to these peculiar creatures, and therefore when they're not doing their lame-ass bitching routine, you can find them fucking GIGGLING at a pitch that would let dogs loose. as you probably already know, they think all guys (unless hideously deformed...in which case it's still debateable) are irresistably attractive, and when they see or god forbid are forced to TALK to a guy they consider "cute", they will giggle. they consider all girls who aren't THEMSELVES or in their clique this hour to be incredibly lame in all aspects ESPECIALLY dress, so when they see them, they will giggle. when they see something they find gross or scary, they'll let out a high-pitched "EEEEEEEEWWWW!!!!" followed by...you guessed it...more giggling. when they see something they think is adorable, like a baby or a puppy, they'll go "AWWWWWWW!!!!" and then...well, can you guess what they do then? sooo...anyway...when you take into consideration all of those situations, as well as those that the REST of us SEMI NORMAL HUMAN BEINGS might consider funny (a priest tumbling drunkenly from the altar, an episode of south park, the bush/gore debates) there isn't very much left, is there? no...i'd say the average teenage girl's life is roughly 85% giggling...errmm...and did i mention i FUCKING HATE THE SOUND OF GIGGLING? well if i didn't i have now. next point in question...
it is not just a point in question, this. it's the age old question, the one that applies to all females, 16, 60, or 106 - WHY IN TARNATIONS CAN'T THEY GO TO THE TOILET ALONE? i suppose in the case of teenage girls, it's cos they can't seem to do ANYTHING alone. think about it. every last one of 'em seems to have at least one BESTEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD who she's feckin' attached at the hip to. now, don't get me wrong, i'm not knocking best mates. the two lads i share my flat with have been my friends since we were all about 4....but even still...WE DON'T TAKE A PISS TOGETHER! we also don't hug each other all the time or link arms when we walk together in public (at least not when we're sober we don't) we have never dressed ourselves in matching outfits that were not school or team uniforms. we have never attended a fancy-dress party in matching or theme costumes. if we did, people would fancy us a pack of faggots. but girls who do shit like that...they're just REALLY GOOD FRIENDS. you know what, though? i can go along with that. whether you're a girl or a guy, it's your prerogative what you do and don't do with your mates. i'm not going to judge anyone cos my friends and i don't behave like a load of rampant homosexuals and some other people and theirs do. but when your attachment to them starts to affect socialisation outside your circle, then there are problems. meaning – i do not trust any girl who can't talk to me alone. one of the many things that attracted me to my girlfriend was her ability to carry on a conversation at a party independent of her friends. if a girl needs her friends' backup to talk to you (and this here's advice...something i don't often give out unsolicited, so listen up) she's obviously an immature, boring, socially backward princess, and no matter what kind of dish she is, she is most definitely not worthy of being the mother of your children (which is likely what she's aiming for), unless YOU happen to be a half-witted git yourself, in which case, when's the wedding? i'll send you a crock pot.