and thatís why iím planning mine right now. verrrry carefully.

now WHY, you might ask, is he off on THIS liíl kick? iíll tell you why...cos i have just had an example of the worst kind of funeral abuse imaginable thrown in my face over the last coupla days. let me explain. (and now, for your viewing pleasure, i am going to get personal) remember how in that last rant of mine about death and old age, i signed off by saying i had an overwhelming urge to ring my grandmothers? well, i DID ring them both right after that, and luckily so, as just 2 short days later the elder of the two ended up in hospital with a slow heart rate and she died just 3 days after that. now this was enough to make me very unhappy. having to travel on such litle notice and even less sleep made me even more unhappy. but once i got there, watching how some of my asshole relations managed to use the whole situation as nothing more than an opportunity to travel for free, eat for free, and get drunk for free, ŗ grace de grandmaís estate just made me fucking sick. i just have to ask one thing to anyone who might be able to answer : HAVE THESE PEOPLE NO SHAME AT ALL?

arggghhh. youíre not going to answer me, so iíll answer myself. no, they havenít. i had my doubts about them before but now iím certain, though what disturbs me is the undeniable fact that i share genes with these people. genes that arenít apparent in me but may only lie dormant till my grandchildren are born and then WHAM-O!...whoís to say THEY wonít be carbon-copies of the swine my grandmother had to deal with? itís really depressing, that, and even a bit scary. i donít think i could do a much better job of living life than grandma did, so if SHE could end it this way, whoís to say i wonít? or ANY of us wonít, for that matter? she had it incomprehensibly hard despite having more than enough in the cash department, and she raised my mother and all her siblings impeccably well, providing for them everything they needed, both material and emotional. she was a vain woman, sometimes amusingly so (i admit, i myself took the piss out of her on more than one occasion) but she was not a selfish woman. she may not have had to work to get what she had, but she sure as hell had to work her arse off to keep it. and what for? so that at the end of it all, a pack of yankee grandchildren, their leeching significant others, and their spoilt offspring (who sheíd only seen in life when they needed something) could hold out their hands to my mother (as despite being the oldest, THEIR mother didnít do jack shit) for plane tickets to come "pay their respects" (ie, eat, drink, and be merry). FUCK. as if these shitheads know ANYTHING about RESPECT. the very idea is laughable. they neither respect themselves or anyone else...never did and never will. of course theyíll play the grieving femilial units for a few daysÖlong enough to get a few free meals and pints of their chosen poison, and of course ransack those possessions of grandmaís not mentioned in the will before her bodyís even cold, and then itíll all be to them as if she never even existed. this woman, if not for whom NONE of us would exist. shit, it must really be a trip to be that bloody shallow.

hmmm...iíve given it thought and when i think of things i want my estate to pay for, three nights of drunken rows and a cheesy american-style wake with DISPOSABLE CAMERAS going off in my poor, dead, makeup-encrusted face are noplace on the list. grandma was living (or dying) proof that one really must leave explicit funeral instructions in their will, stating that if everything isnít followed to the letter the executor will end up in dollymount faster than they can whine "another woo-woo please!" as for me, iím going to not only leave instructions, but also a frickiní guest-list. iím gonna hire a bouncer. i want my wake to be traditional, in the house, with no frickiní pancake makeup or crystal rosary-beads to be nicked from the casket before itís closed. and i do want there to be drink. loads of it. so thereíll have to be a list and a bouncer. and perhaps even velvet ropes if i become popular enough in my old age. if i know someoneís a crummy human being they havenít a prayer of getting on the list, and therefore will not be getting any free booze on the occasion of my passing. TOO FRICKINí BAD if you flew in all the way from flushing, dollface...i didnít like you in life and that sure as hell isnít going to change any now that iím dead. and isnít it funny how you even bothered coming seeing as you despised me even more than i did you. SUCKA! now go on outta here, say a few decades of the rosary for my soul in purgatory, and MAKE THE MOST OF YER BLOODY TRIP! heh. ainít nobody makiní a winter holiday of MY demise, thatís for damned sure.

ah, crap. with all this petty bitterness of mine, i too seem to have lost sight of the whole point of this rant. i deserve a better sendoff than that. my poor grandmother sure as HELL deserved a better sendoff than that. i can only imagine how she must've felt watching from above as the lot of these cattle made a social piss-fest of her death. well, grandma, if it makes your soul rest any easier, i valued you when you were here, and still do now that youíre gone, and i miss you terribly. slŠn agus beannacht, you old love. may you finally enjoy the peace youíve always deserved.

3 shots of my grandmother in her showgirl-wannabe days