...and this is what happens to bad little boys who aren't nice to the dentist...
little shop of horrors. need i say more?


okay, so they kinda HAVE TO exist. but you still just GOTTA wonder what sort of folks BECOME them. what kind of demented, sadistic freak just wakes up one sunny morning and decides he wants to rip people's teeth out of their heads with a set of pliers and then charge them $200 for it? what sort of misanthropic oddball actually LIKE pinning cowering strangers down in a chair and then proceeding to stick huge needles into the soft bit under their tongues? WHO could inflict this kind of torture on innocent people daily for a living? even I couldn't do that...god knows i'm a bit off-centre, but a mad sadist i'm really not. yes, dentists make up a significant percentage of the small segment of the population (which also includes serial killers and teen-age girls who think i'm "cute") that scares the bejaysis out of me, and saying that visiting the dentist isn’t exactly my favourite past-time is understatement of the year.


now, i already mentioned the subject of pain, and how in my humble opinion, anyone who voluntarily takes on a profession in which they bombard virtual strangers with it must be completely apeshit. and i'd bet my frecular irish arse that most people who depise being the object of dental work as much as i do, do so because of the pain or fear thereof. but that's not me. in reality, i've a pretty high threshholdd for pain. you are talking to the man who had two highly detailed celtic tattoos etched into his skin and could honestly say the pain of it all wasn't so bad that i wouldn't consider getting another. to inch even closer to the dentist's area of expertise, i went so far not too long ago as to have my tongue pierced, an action apparently so repulsive even some of the goody-two-shoes who voluntarily see the dentist every 6 months shuddered at the thought. so what the fuck's my problem then? i understood it as well as anyone else (that is to say not at all) until i began thinking about it in detail while recovering from the novocaine from emergency wisdom tooth surgery i had to endure a few months ago. i don't like the dentist for the same reason i don't like hallucinogenic drugs. unlike many people, i don't like the loss of control that goes along with any of the above. novocaine-induced numbness is, in my opinion, a god-awful sensation, worsened only by the fact that it was administered by a man (or woman) you barely know who is now doing god-only-knows-what to a part of your body you can now no longer see or feel. once that dentist gets you in that chair, he can do whatever he damn well pleases to you...pull out perfectly good teeth, drill a few random extra holes in your face, implant microchips and tracking devices in your gums...HEY! don't look at me like that, it oculd happen! as i said, these people are not – CAN'T BE – too stable, so with them, anything's possible.

(sidebar : i only just realised upon writing all of this how damned lucky i am my tolerance for alcohol's even higher than my tolerance for pain, else the pub would be off my list of places to go as well...YIKES!)


but anyway...back to my topic...the only thing more confounding than why god would create human beings vile and cruel enough to be dentists is why and how seemingly NICE people fall into this evil profession. i mean, this dentist i had as a kid was everything a dentist should be...a rotten villain with a thick dublin accent who cackled maniacally at frightened children and whose answer to every problem in milk teeth was, "ah, we'll just pull 'em...sure there'll be more that'll come down in a year or two"...and pull them he did, and with an endearing little habit of shooting novocaine into every square centimetre of your head EXCEPT the bit around the tooth or teeth he was yanking, you'd feel every last yank and tug DESPITE being godawfully numb everyplace else. this man was truly a dentist's dentist...a living, breating testament to his profession, someone who could honestly be called evil incarnate. not at all like the bloke i'm seeing now. the  painfully brilliant, soft-spoken, middle-aged orthodox jewish dentist referred to me by my equally dentist-phobic older sister is the type of person who can really strike fear into the hearts of men. i mean, if i was to have met this guy in the supermarket, or on the subway, i could've easily mistaken him for a normal, sane, grounded, possibly even KIND individual. if i'd run into him in a different setting, i'd've most definitely LIKED this guy, and even as the situation stands now, i am closer to feeling non-hostile toward him than i ever thought possible. and THIS, my dear friends, scares me a hell of a lot more than the dublin devil dentist (who i'm quite sure was the basis for audrey's boyfriends in "little shop of horrors") ever could. why? I'LL TELL YOU WHY! if THIS seemingly harmless old bloke, so inoffensive at first glance even I could like him, could be in reality so godless and wicked, then NO-ONE can be trusted. this one man with his sympathetic demeanour and the perpetual kindly expression plastered across his face hides his vicious and bloodthirsty nature so well it terrifies me. he's all the proof i need that NOBODY...not a single soul...that we encounter can be deemed incapable of deriving joy from cracking a person's jaw open with a jackhammer.

now, does that thought disturb you? it should. and if it doesn't, you're obviously stark raving MAD and really ought to consider dental school.


now, if you'll excuse me, i have an appointment with the dentist in 20 minutes and i have a few decades of the rosary to say...adios, amigos...*crosses himself*