little shop of horrors. need i say more?
okay, so they kinda HAVE TO exist. but you still
just GOTTA wonder what sort of folks BECOME them. what kind of demented,
sadistic freak just wakes up one sunny morning and decides he wants to rip
people's teeth out of their heads with a set of pliers and then charge them
$200 for it? what sort of misanthropic oddball actually LIKE pinning cowering
strangers down in a chair and then proceeding to stick huge needles into the
soft bit under their tongues? WHO could inflict this kind of torture on
innocent people daily for a living? even I couldn't do that...god knows i'm a
bit off-centre, but a mad sadist i'm really not. yes, dentists make up a
significant percentage of the small segment of the population (which also
includes serial killers and teen-age girls who think i'm "cute") that
scares the bejaysis out of me, and saying that visiting the dentist isn’t
exactly my favourite past-time is understatement of the year.
now, i already mentioned the subject of pain, and
how in my humble opinion, anyone who voluntarily takes on a profession in which
they bombard virtual strangers with it must be completely apeshit. and i'd bet
my frecular irish arse that most people who depise being the object of dental
work as much as i do, do so because of the pain or fear thereof. but that's not
me. in reality, i've a pretty high threshholdd for pain. you are talking to the
man who had two highly detailed celtic tattoos etched into his skin and could
honestly say the pain of it all wasn't so bad that i wouldn't consider getting
another. to inch even closer to the dentist's area of expertise, i went so far
not too long ago as to have my tongue pierced, an action apparently so
repulsive even some of the goody-two-shoes who voluntarily see the dentist
every 6 months shuddered at the thought. so what the fuck's my problem then? i
understood it as well as anyone else (that is to say not at all) until i began
thinking about it in detail while recovering from the novocaine from emergency
wisdom tooth surgery i had to endure a few months ago. i don't like the dentist
for the same reason i don't like hallucinogenic drugs. unlike many people, i
don't like the loss of control that goes along with any of the above.
novocaine-induced numbness is, in my opinion, a god-awful sensation, worsened
only by the fact that it was administered by a man (or woman) you barely know
who is now doing god-only-knows-what to a part of your body you can now no
longer see or feel. once that dentist gets you in that chair, he can do
whatever he damn well pleases to you...pull out perfectly good teeth, drill a
few random extra holes in your face, implant microchips and tracking devices in
your gums...HEY! don't look at me like that, it oculd happen! as i said, these
people are not – CAN'T BE – too stable, so with them, anything's possible.
(sidebar : i only just realised upon writing all
of this how damned lucky i am my tolerance for alcohol's even higher than my
tolerance for pain, else the pub would be off my list of places to go as
well...YIKES!)
but anyway...back to my topic...the only thing
more confounding than why god would create human beings vile and cruel enough
to be dentists is why and how seemingly NICE people fall into this evil
profession. i mean, this dentist i had as a kid was everything a dentist should
be...a rotten villain with a thick dublin accent who cackled maniacally at
frightened children and whose answer to every problem in milk teeth was,
"ah, we'll just pull 'em...sure there'll be more that'll come down in a
year or two"...and pull them he did, and with an endearing little habit of
shooting novocaine into every square centimetre of your head EXCEPT the bit
around the tooth or teeth he was yanking, you'd feel every last yank and tug
DESPITE being godawfully numb everyplace else. this man was truly a dentist's
dentist...a living, breating testament to his profession, someone who could
honestly be called evil incarnate. not at all like the bloke i'm seeing now. the
painfully brilliant, soft-spoken,
middle-aged orthodox jewish dentist referred to me by my equally dentist-phobic
older sister is the type of person who can really strike fear into the hearts
of men. i mean, if i was to have met this guy in the supermarket, or on the subway, i could've easily mistaken him for a normal, sane, grounded, possibly even
KIND individual. if i'd run into him in a different setting, i'd've most
definitely LIKED this guy, and even as the situation stands now, i am closer to
feeling non-hostile toward him than i ever thought possible. and THIS, my dear
friends, scares me a hell of a lot more than the dublin devil dentist (who i'm
quite sure was the basis for audrey's boyfriends in "little shop of
horrors") ever could. why? I'LL TELL YOU WHY! if THIS seemingly harmless
old bloke, so inoffensive at first glance even I could like him, could be in
reality so godless and wicked, then NO-ONE can be trusted. this one man with
his sympathetic demeanour and the perpetual kindly expression plastered across
his face hides his vicious and bloodthirsty nature so well it terrifies me. he's
all the proof i need that NOBODY...not a single soul...that we encounter can be
deemed incapable of deriving joy from cracking a person's jaw open with a jackhammer.
now, does that thought disturb you? it should.
and if it doesn't, you're obviously stark raving MAD and really ought to
consider dental school.
now, if you'll excuse me, i have an appointment
with the dentist in 20 minutes and i have a few decades of the rosary to
say...adios, amigos...*crosses himself*
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