you know what i hate? those goddamn
bike messengers. there are about a million of those kozmo.com-type things
out there, allowing the lazy and pathetic to order everything they need
or desire by net or phone and never leave their homes. but for those of
us that DO leave our homes, the million or so bike dudes each one of these
services employs threaten our very existence every time we venture on to
the streets during business hours. these madmen drive their bicycles like
bats out of hell, swerving in front of traffic and onto sidewalks and causing
every kind of jam imaginable as pedestrians and drivers alike go to all
lengths to dodge them. they also plow into things : walls, poles, parked
cars, moving cars, buses...and people. they don't care. they just pick
themselves up, dust themselves off, and head back out on their way, leaving
the owner of whatever they drove into to deal with the damage. it's a wonder
the companies haven't been sued out of existance yet, but just wait. it'll
happen. in fact, i can only imagine how much MY family will be sueing for
when i finally get mowed down. not for the loss of their dear, sweet son
and brother, mind you...but cos they love the opportunity to gain revenge
on ANYONE or ANYTHING, and their actually DESERVING it is just an added
bonus. yep, one of these days, boy...i'm gonna be plowed into the ground
by one of these crackhead bastards and when i do, urbanfetch is gonna be
paying my funeral expenses. hey...they might even get a famous tenor to
sing the "ave maria". but you know what i REALLY want? if
one of those bike punks brings about my untimely demise? even more than
a really expensive and entertaining funeral with pavarotti and whiskey
flowing through the streets? what i want SO much...hell, so much i'm gonna
put it in my WILL? i want my family to sue, all right...sue the ass off
of 'em. but rather than having the company pay my funeral expenses, i want
them to pay to have my body stuffed. like roy rogers' bloody horse...but
not as well preserved. and i want them to pay to have it transported by
u-haul to the house of the miserable waster that killed me. i want them
to buy it a nice, expensive, ugly-ass chair to sit in and have it do exactly
that...sit in the guy's front room in plain view of whatever visitors might
drop by. and i want it to wear a sign around it's neck reading "faithful
customer of (company name)" shut up. i am not a sicko. i've...errmm...just
been in new york too long.
i don't want the guy to go to PRISON
or nothin'...even if he COULD be up for the death penalty. i've thought
about this long and hard, and i've decided having the rotting stuffed corpse
of your victim in your front room greeting party guests is a fate worse
than death. oh, yeah...but i wouldn't mind at ALL if they forced him to
take a photo with my corpse...both of us wearing festive santa hats...and
use it for the cover of the christmas cards, and make sure his grandparents
get to see it. now THAT is what i call payback.
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