*cue wicked witch music from the wizard of oz*

you know what i hate? those goddamn bike messengers. there are about a million of those kozmo.com-type things out there, allowing the lazy and pathetic to order everything they need or desire by net or phone and never leave their homes. but for those of us that DO leave our homes, the million or so bike dudes each one of these services employs threaten our very existence every time we venture on to the streets during business hours. these madmen drive their bicycles like bats out of hell, swerving in front of traffic and onto sidewalks and causing every kind of jam imaginable as pedestrians and drivers alike go to all lengths to dodge them. they also plow into things : walls, poles, parked cars, moving cars, buses...and people. they don't care. they just pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and head back out on their way, leaving the owner of whatever they drove into to deal with the damage. it's a wonder the companies haven't been sued out of existance yet, but just wait. it'll happen. in fact, i can only imagine how much MY family will be sueing for when i finally get mowed down. not for the loss of their dear, sweet son and brother, mind you...but cos they love the opportunity to gain revenge on ANYONE or ANYTHING, and their actually DESERVING it is just an added bonus. yep, one of these days, boy...i'm gonna be plowed into the ground by one of these crackhead bastards and when i do, urbanfetch is gonna be paying my funeral expenses. hey...they might even get a famous tenor to sing the "ave maria".

but you know what i REALLY want? if one of those bike punks brings about my untimely demise? even more than a really expensive and entertaining funeral with pavarotti and whiskey flowing through the streets? what i want SO much...hell, so much i'm gonna put it in my WILL? i want my family to sue, all right...sue the ass off of 'em. but rather than having the company pay my funeral expenses, i want them to pay to have my body stuffed. like roy rogers' bloody horse...but not as well preserved. and i want them to pay to have it transported by u-haul to the house of the miserable waster that killed me. i want them to buy it a nice, expensive, ugly-ass chair to sit in and have it do exactly that...sit in the guy's front room in plain view of whatever visitors might drop by. and i want it to wear a sign around it's neck reading "faithful customer of (company name)"
i don't want the guy to go to PRISON or nothin'...even if he COULD be up for the death penalty. i've thought about this long and hard, and i've decided having the rotting stuffed corpse of your victim in your front room greeting party guests is a fate worse than death. oh, yeah...but i wouldn't mind at ALL if they forced him to take a photo with my corpse...both of us wearing festive santa hats...and use it for the cover of the christmas cards, and make sure his grandparents get to see it. now THAT is what i call payback.

shut up. i am not a sicko. i've...errmm...just been in new york too long.

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